A window opened by candle light

trust is a funny thing. well..actually its not really.

its complicated and hard and stressful.

seeing the best in people isn't as positive as a trait as one would hope.

trust is the hardest thing to gain but the easiest thing to lose. being able to forgive and forget is something everyone struggles with.

forgiving is easy...forgetting is the hardest thing i have ever had to do, and i haven't yet.

maybe a personal flaw, but who can actually say that they have truly forgotten about something that, as lame as it may sound, tore your soul a bit.

Lately i have been thinking about my faith. And certainly you all have. Dont get me wrong i haven't been thinking if i have faith but what it actually means to have it.

there are alot of questions that i have..alot. and these questions i feel can't be answered by what it says in the bible or what a church leader can say. Faith for me is all about personal feeling. you can have all the proof in the world that there is a God up there, but that doesn't mean you believe.

Faith for me is about trust. i trust there is someone up there who will love me unconditionally. he will love us especially if we don't love him back. he will be there for us even when we feel we don't want him to be. And he is the only person that wont betray that trust.

its hard to comprehend his full workings. especially with or finite and non-omnipotent way of understanding. so we can have all the questions about our faith that we want, but for me it comes down to this... do you believe? do you trust? or dont you. there will always be things we can never understand..always...but do you trust that he loves us? died on the cross for us? suffered and died so we can be forgiven our sins... andmore importantly have them be forgotten.

my next point. I strongly disagree people using the bible as a weapon to further our own causes. I'm guilty of it and i know alot of people out there are guilty of it too *cough fred phelps cough*.

it saddens me that this has become almost socially acceptable. it really does. you may disagree with me that it if you think, do you really think god intended his written word to belittle and demean others?

i dont.

i trust that god loves everybody. no matter what they have done no matter where they have been no matter what everybody else thinks about what god thinks.

he loves us....no matter what.

faith for me is trust. a hard complicated and stressful concept that i will always struggle with.

-matt

Hate is a strong word but i really really don't like you

recently i have been noticing little things. not bad things but personal quirks about the people i spend the most time with. little things where you think "wow, i'm glad i am his/her friend".

everyone has played games with the opposite sex and i am not a fan. i am guilty of it too because i find myself to be terribly passive aggressive but i am going to change...well at least try to. no more games for me...well at least i'll try.

so i finally devised a plan about how me and my celebrity crush are going to be friends.

you see i don't want to date said celebrity crush anymore mainly because we wouldn't see each other... or with her knowibng we wouldn't hang out that much she hangs out too much and is crazy about it.

i had a friend tell me i wasn't shallow the other day. it made me feel good.

i was accused of being shallow when i said that i wouldn't be able to date someone if i didnt find them attractive.

-matt

when we are cats

I don't like silence.

i have to have something on, something distracting.

for instance right now its "23" by Jimmy Eat World.

you sit alone forever you wait for the right time, but what are you hoping for?

i don't like the silence. but i tend to find it more often then i would like to. with rooms full of people where the sound can be deafening, its still there.

I think it would be nice if the world ran much like a sitcom. where problems are resolved in 30 minutes and girls where low cut shirts.

And having a sound track when someone lets fly a lame joke would be pretty sweet.

why does everything have to have some sort of symbolism?
why can't a highlighter just be a highlighter?

"she says" - howie day

-matt

a haurcut

son of a mothers lover

I should really be sleeping

i should really be studying

argh! procrastination!

i wish i could blame someone else.

its been such a long time since i have updated in my blog. i wonder if anyone will actually come and read this. i wonder if anyone will notice i have only capitalized one letter?

did you?

i just stepped on a dog...woops.

here is a picture of me eating a dog



well anyways i am sleep time now.

-matt

I've got a bad feeling about this

I'm leaving soon. I'mhappy that i can go work and buy a car so i can cart myself around edmonton but then again i'm not happy that i have to leave for a little while. Leaving behind some really good friends. well i guess i'm not leaving them behind at all they are all going to carry on in their lives and have a good summer. I wish the world reveloved around me.

I know hate is a strong word. so i'm not going to use it. I really really really dislke it when people clap and cheer at the end of a movie. Ok maybe i shouldn't be all that hard on some people. I mean if the actors were there in the theatre i would clap and say they did a good job (even if they didn't.....you know to spare their feelings) and share my $11 dollar popcorn and 1.5L bucket of soda.

and if amanda Binds was there i would throw popcorn in her hair, and when she looked behind i would pretend it wasn't me and wave.

But back to the rant.

Why clap? why?! it makes my finger nails swell because of how much i dislike it.

and when you laugh at parts that aren't meant to be funny.

or if your a high school student trying to impress his high school girlfriend by making comments on how gay jhonny depp or orlando bloom is.

I get it pimply-faced high school kids, you hide your insecurities by lashing out at a source that won't lash back. we all get it. therapy isn't that expensive.

Also, those stupid e-mails where it says if you dont send this e-mail out to ten or so people then something good or bad will happen to you.

sometimes they threaten you with your life by giving examples of what happened to other people.

"jimmy didn't send it out and later he got in a car crash"

i just want to know what kind of voodoo you can put on the internet. or why some person with rat skulls tied to wet leather wrapped around some persons neck with bad teeth would do something like put a curse on an e-mail. Does it really matter to this voodoo priestess if you send a poem about drunk driving to ten people?

And there is no such thing as voodoo magic! Argh! don't get me started on that!

Don't get me wrong, some of these things are touching. Like how some organization will donate a penny for however many people get this email. This just isn't that great of a deal. for example, if 20,000,000 receive this email only 200,000 dollars will be given. its not that much, considering that 20,000,000 won't ever get the same email about some person that was stupid enough to drink and drive. And is it possible to track how many times that email has been received and factor out how many people have received it twice, or three times?

I believe God is the highest power in the universe, i really, really, dont think God would allow someone to have bad sex for ten years if you dont forward a picture of a playboy bunny made out of pound signs and dashes.

-matty k

Someday i'll pay the bills with this guitar

too many late nights.... way to many late nights.

i'm finding it hard to sleep lately.

i've had plenty of lame days lately. mostly consisting of painting models.

that commercial with that lady dancing towards that guy (if you can call that dancing) screaming "bown chica wownwa!" interests me.

i wonder if a girl has ever done that ever. especially in an IGA or Safeway or Sobeys. and to a stocker to boot.

i really need to make a cool new song. it would be all cool and new.

i listen alot to the battle of the bands cd. and i listen to eric's songs the most. i really like them. especially the one where he's all like "So i pray to god when he points my way and says pick up your bedroll"

damn he's sexy
especially with his voice.
is it wrong to say that if he's singing about jesus.

anywho i am going to go do something masculin now.... like rip out chest hair and kill a deer.

-matty k

who needs politicians?

we all do!

anarchy is the worst idea in the history of bad ideas.

honestly we dont live in an idealistic world where everyone gets along and everyone works for the benefits of others.

face it we dont

do you really think we would have doctors? or lawyers? or education? or a running water supply?

it would be survival of the fittest. and those kids that wear patches on there scissor-cut denim vests aren't going to make it. if someone bigger then you wants your apple...or supple body.... they are going to take it and who is going to protect you? the police force? they wont exist! why would they? why would some one put there life in risk every day and not get paid for it? for the benefit of others? when was the last time you risked your life so people you dont even know can live in ignorance of the crack house next door?

do you think you would have coffee? or other imported goods?

if you have bad eyes and need glasses what would you do if you needed a new prescription or a refill of contacts? nothing, you wouldn't be able to go to your local optometrist.

anarchy is a horrible idea

maybe if humans lived in a wonderful garden where all we had to do is frolic and dance it might work out. but probably not because we already blew that when we had the chance.

anarchy will not work. so stop putting those symbols on the back of bus stations. its stupid. we need politicians and we need our corrupt government. if we didnt have these people running our country we wouldnt have these luxuries that everyone enjoys

this includes internet, printed paper, pens, iPods, furnaces, light bulbs, tooth paste, medicine, dentures, cars, pumped gas, cd's, video games, snowboards, cheese, airplanes, and other fun things we enjoy.

pretty much anything we buy will no longer be available to us. if it requires someone else doing the job then we wont get it for ourselves. be honest, you and the people you care about come first. why would that change when you will gain absolutely no benefit from it.

dont get me wrong, some people are nice and kind and will strive for the benefit of mankind no matter what, but there are people out there that won't. and unless we are all on the same page of human benefit then nothing will get done.

and for people pretending to be anarchists stop BUYING things! buying things defeats the whole purpose of not having a government! so unless you made your denim from scratch your a hypocrite when you wear it.

-matty k

dont say it if it means nothing

I have an American Eagle card gift card in my pocket for 25 dollars. I have been in and out of the store and i always forget that it is in my shirt pocket. I keep things in my shirt pocket so i wont forget things are there like my pens and pencils. i have problems with pens leaking if i put them in my pants pockets.

I am having a song writing block.

I made scalloped potatoes for dinner tonight. i think they turned out really well. especially if you like melted butter......and to a lesser extent heart attacks.

I went to church yesterday and they were passing out the bread for communion. this is different then my church...you know the normal one (just kidding!). you see when i go for communion you go up to the front cross your hands say amen and drink sugary wine out of a communal cup.

this grosses me out a little because all they use is a cloth to wipe where he/she has drank. And if you have recently taken bio 265 like i have simply wiping something will not remove all the pathogenic bacteria.

but God wont let us get sick from that will he?

i am having dinner at a friends house right now... i should probably be over there instead of writing this. oh ok here is dArren saying its time to go. see you in a bit

-matty k

wishing for longer nights.

The days are starting to get warmer, longer and brighter. I guess I should be happy and getting excited like the rest of you, but summer is the my least favorite season. well at least it is now.

dont get me wrong...i like the weather and the longer days aren't to shabby either (my mom lets me stay out later) but its not about the weather.... well maybe kind of but it is a very tiny factor in my dislike of this season.

i'm not too found of spring either.

Now if you know me, you know that my preference of seasons does not reflect my personality. just because i like winter does not mean that i myself am cold and gloomy. but then again the season could describe me perfectly... the only person who i know that has verbally expressed her great and vast knowledge on the psychmind was that girl in my writing 300 class. and believe me this is the girl that makes you look badly upon people going into the psych profession.

i honestly have to say if you psychology students want to have any credibility with the writing 300 class, or the whole academic comunity if she is let out these doors of concordia you need to go down to the pizza hut in capilanno and demand her resignation from the social science that is psychology.

let me tell you what she did the other day....

we were "peer reviewing" essays in class and we were having a discussion on whether or not you have to cite something. so we came to a conclusion as a class (minus one) that if you dont think it is general knowledge then cite your resources. for example when alberta joined up with Canada in 1905 its general knowledge.

or in her case 4th year psychology terminology.

so when the teacher asked her to cite where she got this information, and said that in a more serious paper it would be plagerism, she was offended and blurted out...

"so i have to act like i'm writing to a five year old?!"

this probably shouldn't of bothered me, but it did. not everyone is in senior level psych and not everyone will know what those terms are.

i guess its because she said itso arrogantly. i kinda wanted to blurt out some random enzyme like....adenylyl cyclase (witch is associated in muscle movment) and have her not understand it and say something like "oh so i have to write like i'm writing to idiots?"

but that would be mean and very hypocritical and i know that not everyone has an interest in biology and i am ok with that, not everyone is as big as a geek or nerd.

but i digress from my original story.... i dont like summer because its when i am away from you.
winter might seem gloomy but those are the days i am with you and thats why its my favorite season.

there i said it.

-matty k

rain come on down

I was in the cafeteria today and I thought to myself, "hey, I haven't had grape pop in such a long time!"

so I bought it and some Jalapeño chips and retired up to my friends apartment.

I now realize why I haven't bought grape pop in awhile.

I cant help writing comics in class. I get bored easily. especially when the class is being told that we all have toxic lifestyles and cervical cancer.

last time I checked I didn't have a cervix.

come to think of it its been awhile since i have checked ...........checking.....checking.....checking........
nope still a lack of cervix.

like every other guy I get off easy. (heh)

mmmmm the flavor of these chips is dancing on my tongue like a drunken underage girl at the local bar "dirty" dancing with a 34 year old.

that was a wee bit gross.
I don't like 34 year olds. I'm fine with 33 and 35 and everything before and after. but I have had a couple run-ins with gross 34's. run-ins with me screaming "I need an adult! I need an adult!"

I bet he wont be wondering around the mall bothering little kids on where the electronic isle is anymore.

I have to write an essay on child discipline. since being an RA I have changed a lot of my views on child discipline. every child is different and therefore do not all get the same discipline. for some a stern talking to will set them on the right course, but others you wish corporal punishment was still socially acceptable.

and then others you want to stuff in a dishwasher and put it on rinse.

not that I feel that way.

I think this essay is going to be fun.

-Matty k

i wont have to tell you when my eyes start bleeding

i dont think that anyone would er have to tell someone if there eyes started bleeding. well i guess if you were blind you wouldnt be able to see anyones bleeding eyes. so then you would have to feel there face because if someone told you there eyes were bleeding you wouldnt belive them unless you saw it....or if blind touch it. then your fingers would be all bloody and then it would be gross because you touched a bleeding eye and you hope to god that its not contagious but it wouldnt really matter because your blind and you dont really use your eyes.

moving on.....

i'm already unmotivated to do much homework. and its onl a couple days into the semester. i hope i break outta this rut soon of not doing anything.

oh and if anyone cares i can do a maximum of 240 damage with my ranger. his name is Thamior Lindon.

-matty k

he's not going to hold your hair when your down why let him hold you when your up?

its there right on the table, along with everything else you said
your an emotional massochist, you enjoy those tears you shed.
its never good enough to feel right
so go on now, cry those tears on your silk sheet satin spread.

is that how you spell satin?

there is a song writters competition a comin' and i need to come up with 3 new songs. they have to be new because i forgot how the ones i wrote last year went. plus they weren't very good.

i wish i was the lyrical/musical mastermind behind "wonderwall".

i realized the other day how big of a nerd i really am. i walked into a games workshop, you know those ones where they play warhammer on huge tables decorated with small trees and rivers, and talked to a guy that worked there for 5 minutes on how the game worked. good thing i was with a non judging friend because i was actually really interested in what he was saying.

i would like very much to learn and play that game.

i wonder if i could drop out of the sciences and take a major in "Dungeons and Dragons" with a minor in WARHAMMER.

i think its all capitallized. anywho you must forgive my bad spelling/punctuation.

i must go i need to catch a flight.

i really hope they have tv's in the plane

-matty k

p.s darren if you are reeading this i will be at the airport at 11:04 pm. i sent an email earlier but i didnt know if it sent. i excited out of the server before it confirmed. i guess i could write another one while i am writting this but there is no time so yah i guess i am going to go, i think i am going to have to borrow some tooth paste tonight because i forgot to pack mine and the suitcase is full. how much is toothpaste? anywho i gatta go,sadkjbfaerlbgaw

A day entails...

I like being home, dont get me wrong i love my family i like doing little things for them like picking up asparagus tips or picking mom up from work or other little things that make me a poster child for "my son is better than yours"

but i want to go back to edmonton. i miss people. especially you.

if only i could bring back my little dog...for i love him so much

have you ever had hockey skates too small for you?
well let me tell you they dont exactly feel like someone is pouring chocolate syrup on your feet and then seductivly lick it off.

no not at all!

i played outdoor hockey the other day for the first time in a long while and after the minus degree weather had its toll on my scrunched up feet i felt like i was going to cry.

so i did, a little bit, but dont worry i played it off as how i was feeling for all the deaths the "darwin awards" so jokingly writes about.
someone has died... but they are joking about it.....very morbid if you ask me.
how people look past everyday literature and blame violence on video games.

but the darwin awards are really funny so pick up a copy.

i am goign to go and eat something...thats all i do when i am home.
i am one of those people that eat when they are bored.

-matty k

i should be studying...

who else wants to drop out of school and become a hobo?

i do! ooo OOOOO OOOO pick me coach pick me!

i should really cut down on sport references, because i no longer play sports. i did the whole "quit something you love to make something of yourself" thing.

some days i regret it some days i'm glad i did, i wish my mind would make it self up.

...make it self up...yah i said it.

i really should be studying

i went to japan town or village or whatever and i had a wonderful time. there was knife tossing and food was flying everywhere.

well not really, but there was good conversation....and i tried doing that model thing where you bite on your glasses and pose like you just discovered how fun your soft ample body was.

but it didnt look like that...not at all, it looked like i was chewing on my glasses because i havent mastered using chopsticks and i needed my black plastic rims for sustenance.




oh and the people i was there with gave good company except for that dirty DIRTY, man.

you know who you are.

we wore suits!

Shining time station

who remembers thomas the engine? i do! who could forget that abomination of nature. i mean what freaky scientist decided to put a face on a train and then animate it? and by animate i mean it in the tense of bringing it to life...not drawing.

i mean if i were to be the conductor on a train and my train started talking to me...i would lose it. my mental state is fragile enough already.

and WTF is up with those trains? they aree always getting stuck in mud puddles or something else a train couldnt possibly get stuck in if they stay on the tracks.

i remember watching an episode where thomas gets stuck in a mud puddle....how did he get there?

and if he did go off the tracks, which seems to be the only reasonable explanation, how come there isnt a path of death and destruction after him? i mean for a passenger train like thomas those poor people in the back must have been bouncing around like popcorn in those metal containers you put over the stove for a delicous midnight snack.

and if the train could talk then how does the circulation system work? does he run on oil? blood? does he feel pain? I demand to know these answers.

i just wish that at the time when the show was in full swing i wrote the producers and demanded answers.

now from watching that show i think a half-train, half-human, abomination is suitable for young children.

if we think were getting desensitized by video games, just remember the saturday morning cartoons we used to watch like the genetic malformities that are the ninja turtles or the cruel imprisonment of pokemon.

think of the children......the children.

....and for the passion of the christ....

shouldnt we be concentrating on why he died and what he lived for rather then watching 2 hours of pain and gore?

-matty k

RENT

everyone i know who has seen rent has liked it. i like it aswell but i am also very critical when it comes to movies.

so here is the general plot line to the movie...

everyone has aids except for the lesbians and the lonely straight guy.

also the audience is made to go on the side of mimi when the lead actor, who has aids, turns her down.

i mean mimi has aids and is trying to force it on him. she doesnt know he has aids and he doesnt know that she does so he's just being a good guy and trying not to get her sick aswell. but she's all about giving it to him.

why feel sorry for her when he turns her down? dick move on her part if you ask me.

and at the end of the movie you feel all nice and dandy that everything works out for them in the end. except in a couple months they are all going to die...succumbing to the common cold.

i'm happy they are trying to make people aware i really am...

i feel more people should be aware abou aids.

i feel bad for lonely straight guy(sans aids) he and the lesbians are the only one thats going o be alive in a few months.

poor guy....

poor cast... that movie was a tradgedy.

-matty k

i once was lost but now i'm found

i really like "lifesong" by casting crowns.

a new year is underway and more and more people are starting to feel the stress of the new year. homework, bills and laundry is starting to build up and our shoulders are starting to get sore from all the weight thats beginning to pile up.

who wants a backrub?

i am writting two songs right now, it seems that most of my song always seem to be on the depressing side.

song of the moment: cat and mouse by the red jumpsuit apparatus

i think eric knows where i am going with that,

recently i have felt...underpar and i have been a little cranky.

i keep telling myself that its becuase i am tired. i really hope it is.

mmmm thanksgiving dinner! thanks house of coolness for that delicious turkey.

i tried candied yams for the first time. mmmm and the turkey.

have i meantioned the turkey? it was really moist and the turkey was delicious.

mmmm turkey.

i might have broken the rocking chair that some luthern guy gave another luthern guy, i felt bad for breaking it.

i didnt know lutherns liked to rock.

i had a talk with a luthern pastor about being non denominational. and i learnt something from him. i think i'll stick with my catholic roots.

yah for the pope!

-matty k

you me and someguy named steve

i was going to write a whole different post, just i dont thin i am ready for that one right now.

or i dont have enough time to write what i really want to.

one of the high school kids called my boss racist becaus we made him run.

my class is starting....see yah


-matty k

they're there and yours are theirs.

so far this year has proven to be interesting. My days have been jammed pack with video games and board games....hmm maybe it hasnt been that interesting after all. but i like those things so LAY OFF!

that was an unexpected outburst.

i think i am one of those people that hold all my anger in until i yell at a cashier when i'm thirty because she gave me the wrong change.

i played axis and allies last night...i was the states...and completly useless. we'll leave it at that.

Song of the moment: "girl of my dreams" by HAYDEN...one of the most monotone songs ever in existence but i like it.

People are hard to read. especially when you feel like you dont know them anymore. i'm having a hard time figuring out people. but then if i understood everything in life it would be boring,

Its amazing how many choices you can make in a day. some you dont even know your making and others require so much thought you fall asleep before you even begin to wrap your head around it.

speaking of which i have a head ache..

I have a good feeling about this year. i dont know if its the people or if i feel like a different person, or maybe its both. yes i think this year will work out for the best.

i dont like church songs that involve the organ...i think the organ is the worst sounding instrument ever.

dont get me wrong, some of those youth songs i really enjoy, but when they steal the rythm from other songs *cough* eye of the tiger *cough* it doesnt appeal to me. *cough* my sharona *cough*

seems like i'm getting a cold.

High school kids take sick days for granted. i remember when i was in high school, the rule was if i could walk i'd be going to school. some of these kids get a sore throat and they think they're coming down with cancer. if i got a sore throat i'd get a mint, a glass of water, and a boot out the door.

i love my parents. the best was when i got in trouble i would do physical labour. or run till i threw up. I got in trouble one summer and got signed up for an advanced power skating class.

it worked better then getting sent to my room or "being reasoned" with.

i dont know why spanking is so controversal. some times physical punishment is necesary, i'm not talking about causing a bloody nose or breaking of appendages but when i got spanked i didnt do it again.

this is getting long. i also have to call my brother. he turned 22 today.

-matty k